Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
It's never too late to be topless.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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