I have demons in me.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
