I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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