I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
