You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
is wine microwaveable?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Randomize