Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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