I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Randomize
