Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
