why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
