I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
