Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
