perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
