So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
