really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
A bitchslap is in order.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
