i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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