what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
