Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
