is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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