Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
