I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
my liver is dry heaving
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
