I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
