I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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