Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Randomize