i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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