I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
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