Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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