you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
