everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
