well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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