Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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