My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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