Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
im calling her cock vulture from now on
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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