I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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