Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize