stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
