He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
