my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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