Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
