Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
