Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
