If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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