Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
