please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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