I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize