I hate all girls vehemently.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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