I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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