Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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