You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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