my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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