i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
