Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
