tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
