i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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