she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Randomize
