i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
well you can't waste a boner
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
