You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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