i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
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