Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Houston, we have a blender
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Randomize
