Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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