yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
